More funny stuff

I'm going home.

A big collection of weird laws. Most of these come from the book Ludicrous Laws and Mindless Misdemeanors, which my uncle gave to me before we moved to Florida (they did the same, except they moved to an EVEN SHITTIER town than us.) Please email to know what else they gave me, if it makes you THAT curious.

If you have any additional information on any of these laws (such as if they were overturned or they're exclusive to a single city,) you can contact me sophia.d00m@yahoo.com, but I'd prefer you IM me on Discord (sweetrefractrr) as its much more convenient.

• It is considered a hate crime if anyone spreads malicious misinformation about Arizona farm products (Is that why I never hear from Mom's friend Kate anymore?
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water
• If being attacked by a criminal, you may only defend yourself if you are using the same weapon as the criminal (What if they're using a SPESHUL weapon though?!?!?!
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. (They must HATE Spiderman in Arizona)
• Donkeys may not sleep in bathtubs (what about horses though?)
• (Tempe) One may only drink booze in a city park if the park is larger than three acres.
• A "horse" can also be a donkey, mule, or burro.
• It is illegal to not report a duel to the police. (Unsurprisingly, no would-be-duelists have confessed)

• It is illegal to mispronounce the state name when giving a speech.
• Teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise (Are we serious?)
• An atheist may not hold office or testify as witness.
• One may not hold office within ten years of fighting a duel or acting as a second

• In San Anselmo, you may not sell black candy cigarettes referred to as "cola sticks" due to the "peculiar and singular characteristic of forming a black and sticky mass of pernicious quality. There is no law on toupees.
• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Animals may not mate near schools (Please tell me it includes humans, right?)
• It is FINALLY legal to sell alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies (Wow, they must've been very excited for that...)
• A bull is required to be in the company of at least thirty cows while grazing in open range.
• One may not possess more than one bear gallbladder (do i even want to know how that law came to be?)
• Horses and donkeys may mate freely unless they are within 400 ft of town limits and the inhabitants have an unobstructured view (is this at all related to the other animal mating law?)
• A school district may discharge a bus driver that believes in the religious sacrifice of children.
• (Marin County) Homeowners must admit a county health inspector to their home during business hours regardless of whether or not the inspector has a warrant.
• (Marin County) The law requires at least two feet of open air underneath piles of lumber (do they sell floating lumber there? WHAT IS UP WITH MARIN COUNTY!?)

• It is illegal to import horse semen without government approval (there goes my weekend plans AGAIN.)

• It is no longer legal to hunt ducks from airplanes.

• The legislature can amend the state constitution without voter aprroval.

• It is illegal to sell your children.
• One may tarnish the confederate flag in any ways he wants, as long as it is not for crass purposes.
• You may not sing in a public place while wearing a swimsuit.
• If one wants to be get paid for braiding hair, they must learn about communicable diseases such as HIV and AIDS
• To gather alligator eggs, one must have a license (and quite a bit of nerve as well, might I add)

• Livestock may not graze within the boundaries of cities containing more than 500 inhabitants. (This is worse than the rule about not being able to eat in a burning building)

• Up until 1969, English was not to be spoken, instead Illinoisians spoke "American."
• One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth (there goes my weekend plans)
• One may not eat in a building that is burning. (How did this law even happen?)
• Joliet must be pronounced with an accent in the first syllable and a long o
• (Springfield) Dwarf tossing is banned in order to improve air quality.

• One may not sniff glue
• A child may not dress Barbie in Ken's clothes.

• If one comes face-to-face with a cow on the road, he must remove his hat
• It is illegal to use reptiles during religious services (okay, were they crucifying a salamander or something?)
• It is illegal for politicians to hand out alcoholic beverages on Election Day.

• There are two kinds of fruit. Only one is natural. (if it helps, the other kind of fruit isn't actual fruit)
• If one instructs a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to their friend without the friend's knowledge and consent, he could be fined $500 dollars
• "Pleasure boats" must be powered by internal combustion engines. (that doesn't sound very pleasuring)

• It is illegal to catch a lobster with your bare hands
• It is illegal to keep a business open on Munday, unless it is the Christmas shopping season.

• It is illegal for bars to offer free lunches to patrons.
• Female "sitters" or "shills," used by tavern owners to lure male patrons to buy drinks, are outlawed (probably for the same reason there's no free lunches)
• Drinking booze is forbidden at tailgate parties outside of sports stadiums, but you may buy booze in the stadium during the game (damn Maryland, what's with all the booze laws?)

• It is illegal to manufacture, sell, or knowingly use exploding golf balls.

• Using picturees of deceased presidents to sell liquor is illegal (But what if its the current president?)
• One may not be caught playing The Star Spangled Banner in a club. (the single easiest insanity plea of my life)
• It is a misdemeanor to scoff at a picture of someone who has refused to duel with you.

• It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings. (BOOOOORING!!!)

• It is illegal to sell liquor to people in their cars unless they are handicapped.
• If a child burps during church, his parents may be arrested. (okay, now where's our law banning gravity?)
• It is Illegal to fish for whales (Nebraska btw, the most landlocked place ever)
• It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup
• A mother may not give her daughter a perm without a state license. (but what about a father?)
• Donut holes may not be sold. (Oh those poor munchkins...)

• County commissioners may outlaw livestock on a highway so long as the highway is fenced on both sides. (How does the livestock figure out that law?)
• Boxing and wrestling competitions in which a punch is not reasonably expected to inflict injury are not subject to laws regulating unarmed combat (at least that eliminates the professional stuff)
• The only game that does not count as gambling is "spin the bottle."

• Theft or poaching of a bear is only illegal if you are considered a "natural person."

• (Bergen County) Retail stores may not open on Sundays.

• It is illegal to sell imitation honey, even if it is clearly labeled as such.

• It is unlawful for one to put his hand near a container that contains a venomous reptile if he is aware it contains one.

• One must have a permit to crawl around the public sewer system.

• You may not throw a banana on the sidewalk (That must explain why i haven't heard of too many comedians from Tennessee
• Anyone may cripple or kill a "proud bitch" running at large. (Well, nobody saw my childhood dog Cheddar fight that bear, right? Or did she fight a raccoon?)

• You may not buy a drink if you are drunk (How do you even know that you can't buy a drink if you're drunk)

• Vagrants may not steal food (Does that mean if you have a good job and a stable home life, you CAN steal food? Why the need to specify vagrants?)
• A bowling alley set up next door to a school or church is subject to a daily fine (dance halls and pool halls are exempt)
• One is subject to a penalty if he draws ice from water and fails to fence the hole.
• Anyone found possessing a slingshot can be imprisoned and fined. This also includes children.

• It is illegal to catch fish by throwing rocks at them. One is allowed to use explosives to catch fish however.
• Fake professional wrestling is illegal (I WANT REAL BLOOD MOMMY!)
• One must use the "permanent and regular seat" while riding a bicycle

• In St. Croix, it is illegal for women to wear the color red (I used to think this law also applied for Milwaukee. Laugh at me!)
• You can marry your house (someone find me a nice Tuscan villa in Southern Wisconsin)
• In order to make cheese, you must have a license (damn, they take cheese SERIOUSLY down in Wiscansin /INTENTIONAL MISSPELLING)

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Contact me at: mailto:sophia.d00m@yahoo.com